When I was 19, I wrote down a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish in my lifetime. One of those goals was to get my doctorate and be able to teach pastors how to reach lost people. Ambitious for a 19 year old I know.

While I had done well enough academically in high school to leave half-way through my senior year and head to college, my first few years in college I really struggled. Combining the freedom of being on my own for the first time and my ADHD/ADD, it was only a matter of time before something broke, and it sure enough did. After being asked to leave one college for academic reasons, I eventually graduated in 1998 with my pastoral degree and a squeak-by-the-skin-of-my-teeth GPA of 2.27. Nothing to be proud of, but I had the piece of paper that said I graduated just like everybody else did.

In the fall of 2007, I made the decision that I was going to prove to myself that I could be successful in academics. I enrolled in an online graduate level class from a state university and much to my surprise, I not only passed, but I excelled at the class. I decided that the next spring I’d take two more classes, and once again I excelled.

So there I sat, with three graduate level classes under my belt and a shiny 4.0 GPA to go along with it. To be candid – it messed me up. I made a rash decision and applied to a seminary. I mean, after all, if I was going to train pastors, I probably needed to have an MDiv – right?

As excited as I was to attend, after discovering the tuition cost of the seminary, my heart sank. I simply did not want to go into debt. Still, I didn’t give up hope on my graduate degree. So, I prayed. I waited. I looked at where God was blessing my ministry. And I prayed some more. I researched. I prayed some more. Finally, I made the decision to apply to a graduate school that offered an online degree in organizational leadership. The degree is exactly what I wanted and the focus of the program fit perfectly within what I believe is a Biblical understanding of leadership. So I applied. And I waited.

Soon it came time to fill out all the forms and documents necessary to attend graduate school. I was asked to justify my low GPA in my undergrad work, which was painful, but I resolved to be absolutely truthful and completely candid in this process. The same goes for when I wrote the paper on why I wanted to be involved in the program – nothing but complete authenticity and transparency.

The final step was to take the Millers Analogy Test – which is absolutely horrible. It’s a test that is literally impossible to study for. Thankfully I scored high enough that I was accepted into the program.

It’s at this point that I find myself again faced with the unsettling truth that if I’m going to pursue a graduate degree at this time, then I’m going to have to obtain student loans in order to make that happen.

You see at 19, the dream seemed easy. Go to school, get your degrees, and start teaching pastors. Maybe throw in a couple of years of ministry experience so you know what your talking about, but really, how hard could it be?

At 35 almost 36, the dream has almost become a nightmare. The thought of going back into debt burdens me and keeps me up at night. I can hear Dave Ramsey, that bastion of financial wisdom that spurred my wife and I to get out of debt, yelling at me, “Don’t do it!” I wake up every morning between 3:30 and 4:00 am with Proverbs 22:7 running through my head, “. . . the borrow is slave to the lender. ”

Yet at the same time I’m reminded of the idea that “Leadership always comes with a cost” and “The best investment you can ever make is education.” I’m reminded constantly “nothing worthwhile is free.” “That sacrifices must be made if I truly want to be a leader. “

You see, the dilemma that I find myself in is not really all that different then the dilemma that each of us has found ourselves in at one point in our lives. We have all sat at a crossroads staring down two directions that clearly point towards two completely different paths. One path will clearly set in motion a set of results while the other path will most certainly set in motion an entirely different set of results.

The question is, how do you measure the cost of your dreams when faced with the undeniable truth of reality? How do you determine which path to take? How do you decide which way will give you the desired result you want for your life?

As a follower of Christ, I believe that you go to God first and wait for His guidance. The problem is that you can pray and wait, but sooner or later a decision has to be made and more often than not, you’re the one that has to take that first step down whatever path you’ve chosen, not God.

So, dear readers, how do you measure the cost?